Kicked in the Teeth

Something inside of me wants to find some grand meaning, some overarching purpose for the random string of events that make up my life. It would be easier to stomach the speeding ticket I got on Monday if I felt there were anything to be learned other than to invest in a radar detector if driving through the minefield of speed traps otherwise known as Delaware County, OH. It would be less shameful to owe various members of my family countless sums of money if there were an end in sight. If I knew when and how I would ever pay it all back.

I’ve applied for countless jobs that I could easily work with a high likelihood of success and over and over again door after door gets slammed in my face. And like a battered wife I keep turning to life with wide eyed and ill advised optimism expecting that this time it’s going to be different. But with each new opportunity comes another crushing blow.

One could argue this isn’t true, after all, I’ve been employed all this time. Of course, I’m grossly under-employed. At each sales job my employers, coworkers and customers ask in amazement what a smart girl like me is doing in a place like this, and honestly, I have no idea. I’m selling makeup is the best answer I have.

The year that I thought I was spending getting my life on track after my divorce and all the upheaval that coincided with that experience has turned into a year and a half, with no end in sight. And as I stare down my 30th birthday I feel a great sense of dread and panic.

I never dreamed I’d give 30 a second thought, it isn’t old at all to me. But then, I never dreamed my life would be so far off track at 30. When I was 25 my life was much more what I expected of 30, but facing 30 with no discernible career or family is disheartening at the very least. I’d rather crawl into a hole and hide than face the embarrassment that is my unfulfilling life.

I’m not looking to be rescued, I’m not even asking for a miracle or anything. I just want fulfilling work with adequate compensation and time to spend with family and friends. You’d think a person with a couple of degrees and a fairly respectable resume could find that………….

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