You Can’t Make This Shit Up

It seems that in life truth is often stranger than fiction, and nothing could be truer in a small town. One of the wonderful and yet bizarre qualities of small towns is that these locals seem to somehow nurture and support the odd characters in our midst. It’s a theme in Southern literature, but I have to say that it is universally applicable to all small towns. Therefore I have decided to keep track of these quirky, and sometimes disturbing characters and events as I experience them. Yes, these people and events that are so off the wall that you just can’t make this shit up………..

Here is the inaugural oddfellow, I shall call him Slick.

The other day I was running my usual errands, which now include buying pantyhose at Wal-Mart, an entirely frustrating experience to say the least. (And yes, the three dollar pantyhose run like no bodies business.) I stood in the express checkout lane with my sugar-free truffles, crappy pantyhose and a pack of sub standard gum (I can’t find Altoids gum ANYWHERE around here.) In a matter of just a few moments, it was my turn to check out and I met Slick.

Slick is a chubby teenage pimply faced kid who probably hadn’t washed his hair in a few days and had mustard on his cheek. He dutifully scanned my measly purchase, tossed it in the bag and I swiped my debit card through the card reader. No beep. I swipe again, still no beep. Slick intervenes, “Sometimes the cards get dirty, ” he says as he takes the card out of my hand, proceeds to lick the magnetic strip and wipe it on his dirty Wal-Mart vest. Then Slick runs the card through his card reader and PRESTO it beeps, authorizes and he hands me back my contaminated card.

In truth, I wanted to say, “It’s okay, you keep it,” but I was envisioning Slick and his only two friends in the world emptying my bank account buying junk food and internet porn, so I took it back and left in horror. Now one might think that after such an experience I would never return to Wal-Mart in protest, BUT this is a small town and sadly the best place to buy crappy three dollar pantyhose. You just can’t make this shit up.

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